Heartbeat

I'm breathless as I burst through the door, the stark glare of neon tubes forcing me to shield my eyes, I see her immediately, through the tangle of tubes and wires, please god don't let me be too late.

She looks cold, eyes closed, no rise and fall of her chest, lips tinged with blue, is that just the insane temperature in here or is she, is she?

I look up, eyes following the cables that emerge from the top of her gown, following them to the monitor, it looks like a cliche from a 70's hospital drama, green screen, one flat line, it hasn't moved and it feels like I've been watching it for ever, I feel the terror welling up inside me and I know that I'm too late, wasn't here for her, have missed her and will miss her forever.

Bu-ding! a spike in the line, a shuddering breath from her lips, thank you, thank you whatever god is listening to me this day thank you, I'm on my knees by the side of the bed, her hand, so cold, so very cold is in mine, I hold it to my lips and whisper her name, tell her how much she means to me and that I'm not going to let her go, not like this.

I can hear Damon Albarn singing inside my head,
"Come on, come on, come on, get through it
Come on, come on, come on, loves the greatest thing that we have,
Oh my baby, Oh my baby
Oh why, oh my.

I tell him to fuck off, this is no time for sentimental songs, this is about my hand wrapped around hers an anchor to whatever of her is left in there.

Under all the pain, under all the dull numb nothing, I know that she is still in there, fighting to hang in, maybe just a pinprick of light in a dark dark place, but now I know she's there I can breath again too, can let my heart beat and let the love I feel for her fill my stomach to replace the empty aching, puke inducing nothing that was there before.